# Coffee Related Ailments And Conditions - CRAC's



## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

I have not been well these last few days and have spent many hours confined to bed or in the small room.

In one of my less delirious, caffeine deprived, moments I fleetingly pondered whether or not it was likely that coffee was the cause of my ills.

Did I have a severe dose of the shots...........or just something very similar? I may never know for sure!

This is what prompted me to start a post where maybe we should compile a definitive listing of coffee related ailments and medical conditions.

The most common CRAC of course is the Barista strain of *Upgraditis*:

This specifically targets home coffee enthusiasts and is an irrational and irresistible desire to have the same espresso equipment on your counter top as @MildredM has on her's.

Here are a couple of perhaps, lesser known CRACs to get the list started.

*Severe Brewsing :* The inevitable consequence of purchasing any three of the following; AeroPress. V60, Kalita Wave, Chemex, Syphon, Eva Solo

*Fractured Faema :* Typically sustained after being dropped form a great height by a cheapjack carrier.

*Coronary Artery Disease :* Primary symptom is the inability to pour latte hearts.

There must be more......please feel free to to contribute.


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## GingerBen (Sep 7, 2017)

High Tamperature - caused by dropping tamper from a height


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

Blistered Fingers: Caused by the release of scalding hot steam from a Mokka Pot when you are frantically trying to serve more people than the ******** thing can brew for in one go.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Bruised Ego - the result of badly poured latte art









As I also have been unwell with TWO unwell making things and am current 'off' coffee completely I am struggling to get my brain into gear. I'm sure this won't last long though . . .


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Coffee - when you're feeling chesty

Latte - when you think you might be pregnant

Expresso - when you have the runs


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

MildredM said:


> Bruised Ego - the result of badly poured latte art
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Judging by the post time indication..... it took about 6 minutes! Quite long by some estimations.


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## El carajillo (Mar 16, 2013)

C,I.D, Coffee Induced Dementia

The ability to make stupid mistakes and often repeat them.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Stroke - the inability to walk past one of Joey's tamper handles without a little stroke

Major Stroke - same as above but relating to running a hand across the gleaming smooth mirrored stainless steel surface that encases the Londominium


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

El carajillo said:


> C,I.D, Coffee Induced Dementia
> 
> The ability to make stupid mistakes and often repeat them.


Er...... er...... sorry but I can't remember what it was I was going to say.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

MildredM said:


> Stroke - the inability to walk past one of Joey's tamper handles without a little stroke
> 
> Major Stroke - same as above but relating to running a hand across the gleaming smooth mirrored stainless steel surface that encases the Londominium


Please start your own thread for anything further of a sexual nature.


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

Grindre : Not being sure if you are LGBT or a dyslexic Barista.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Barmy - overuse of arm by barista pulling copious shots


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Snakehips said:


> Please start your own thread for anything further of a sexual nature.


Oh you are funny, Snakehips. Is that your way of saying, "get well soon, MildredM, we are missing you."


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

MildredM said:


> Oh you are funny, Snakehips. Is that your way of saying, "get well soon, MildredM, we are missing you."


*Mbolism : *A ticking off from a grumpy, decaffeinated Mildred,


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## Stanic (Dec 12, 2015)

MildredM said:


> Bruised Ego - the result of badly poured latte art
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Bruised snaego - when Snakehips finally realises he can't match MildredM's countertop equipment collection









Get well soon @MildredM!


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Londinium Eye: inability to avoid ocular contact with unpredictable lever action


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Bean-to-B-cup disease: when a shard of bean pops out the top of the grinder and locates itself somewhere unmentionable. A predominately, but not exclusive, female disorder.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Knock box wrist syndrome: ouch! I missed the rubber bit again!


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

PuqPress Finger: severe crush injury caused by sticking an inquisitive finger in where it's not meant to be.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Costa Lip: Upper lip burn (self explanatory really)


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Portafilter Toe: oops! Butterfingers!


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Influenca: Irrational desire to follow any old rubbishy advice on coffee forum.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Flatpadfingertism: spending far too much time incessantly tapping and typing screen to increase forum post count.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Adaptivescoliosis: lateral curvature of the spine brought about by over concentration on latte art skills


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Resistentialism - "les choses sont contre nous"....

Inanimate objects exhibit spiteful behaviour towards us (see Wiki)


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Monolithitus: a Monolith grinder in each hand and the inability to choose which to use.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Futilitarianism - utilitarian objects turn out to be futile


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*
Flatulence : *The embarrassing consequence of drinking too many double shot Flat whites.


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

MildredM said:


> Monolithitus: a Monolith grinder in each hand and the inability to choose which to use.


I have looked this up on the www and I think you have misnamed this affliction.

Modern medical science now calls it 'Mildriditis'.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Upper Respiratory Condition: sharp intake of breaths from other halves when you open yet another box of coffee paraphernalia necessities.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Munchausen by Proxy - the desire to destroy the most desirable machines owned by others out of spite and envy.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Object Permanence (Piaget) - the stage of cognitive development where you realise that even though the Gaggia Classic you just sold has left your kitchen, it will continue to exist and function for another 1,356 years.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Transference - you sell your Super Jolly to someone else on the forum.

Counter Transference - he sells it back to you.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Curvature of the Spine - carrying a Mazzer Robur home on the train after a foolish impulse buy on eBay.


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Potters nod (a real thing) caused by watching beans go around in a grinder


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

JimboJohn Syndrome: repeatedly checking for updates on latest pimps!


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Prolapse - when a Londinium owner pulls his lever and gets a gusher


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Tinnitus - buying Illy coffee in tins.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Attention Deficit Disorder - a day without caffeine.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Incontinent : *Result of drinking coffee elsewhere in Europe


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

The runs: hurrying because your favourite coffee shop closes in 5 minutes!


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Carbuncle :* A double boiler


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Euthanasia- first attempts at espresso with Lavazza and a classic


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Rhinoplasty : *Application of Band-Aid to finger, following a hand grinding accident.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Sickly Sell Anaemia - the decision of Starbucks and Costa to add loads of sugar to their coffees to pull in punters.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

MildredM said:


> The runs: hurrying because your favourite coffee shop closes in 5 minutes!


Otherwise known as Athlete's Foot


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Autopsy - procedure carried out on a grinder that has been cross-threaded.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

OCD (Obsessive Coffee Disorder): also known as Bi-collectitus - having to get every bit of kit possible. Twice.


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

MildredM said:


> OCD (Obsessive Coffee Disorder): also known as Bi-collectitus - having to get every bit of kit possible. Twice.


An affliction commonly associated with the above is Brassicus or Stoneybrokus.

Symptoms include receiving many demanding red letters and culminating in an appearance at the County Court who find that the sufferer is a ( associated sickness) Basketcase.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Mythoscopy : *An investigative procedure carried out to determine the cause of discharge problems.

There are two approaches.

If the suspected cause is an Arduino, it will involve taking a good look down the throat, sometimes requiring use of a probe.

If the suspected cause is a blocked Simonelli then there is no alternative but to take a good look up the chute, always using a probe!


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

Snakehips said:


> *Mythoscopy : *An investigative procedure carried out to determine the cause of discharge problems.
> 
> There are two approaches.
> 
> ...


Dear Dr. Snakehips,

A friend has asked should the probe be washed between the two invasive investigations or should I (sorry, they) use two different probes?

Yours uncomfortably, etc etc


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Tetanus - sudden paralysis affecting the hand when about to make and impulse buy on ebay

Tinnitus - a constant noise in the ears often as the result of a partner finding a receipt - also a cause of wind


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Rabies- finding a machine on sale just after you have bought it

Typhoid Fever - a natural fear of tea


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Enima - when you fail to follow the new plumbed in machine instructions properly

Campylobacter - making coffee on a beach while menaced by crustaceans


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

Batian said:


> Dear Dr. Snakehips,
> 
> A friend has asked should the probe be washed between the two invasive investigations or should I (sorry, they) use two different probes?
> 
> Yours uncomfortably, etc etc


Dear Sufferer,

A very sensible question. Let me tell you (sorry, your friend) that NHS guidelines strongly suggest that if you are doing for a double shot, you should always probe down the throat before probing up the chute!

Between shots, wiping the probe with a damp @MildredM embroidered towel is absolutely fine. However, wiping it on your sleeve is considered coarse and not wiping it at all is considered very coarse.

After being withdrawn from the chute, the probe should be incinerated.

I hope that helps?

Oh!....... one other thing.

You (they) must aim for an even extraction. Aim for 100mm in about 25 / 30 seconds.

Enjoy!

Yours

Dr. Snakehips MD


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Snakehips said:


> Dear Sufferer,
> 
> A very sensible question. Let me tell you (sorry, your friend) that NHS guidelines strongly suggest that if you are doing for a double shot, you should always probe the throat before probing the chute!
> 
> ...


*please note: any advice given on this forum section should be taken with a pinch of salt (Epsom for preference)*


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Basket Augmentation - a cosmetic procedure known colloquially as "updosing"

Burr Chamber Suction - a cosmetic procedure to remove unwanted grinds

Vaginal Rejuvination - a cosmetic procedure to replace a doser, often called "going doserless" (see consultant Dr. Jim's clinic)

Anger Management - a 12-step group for Baristas which weans them off the habit of constant thwacking and teaches them mindfuulness


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

I prefer to call my rejuvenation procedures - "hopper chops" and to be honest all of my clients to date have been male, I think they like the scratch removal and buffing part the most, some clients keep coming back to get their handles changed, I warn you procedures can become addictive.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Some common ailments.

Depression: The indent in the top of the wet puck from the shower screen.

Insomnia: Two common causes - far too many shots testing out all parameters on your new machine causing sleep depravity. Alternatively, lying awake at night adding up how much you've spent on grinders etc

Scizophrenia: Confused thinking and hearing voices, especially the ones suggesting you need another grinder.

(All these are tongue in cheek and are not meant to belittle any of these very real conditions).


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Bipolar - owning more than one grinder

Multiple personality disorder - owning more than 2 grinders


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

a case of the Vapours - sniffing coffee bag air valves

a case of consumption - buying every new machine that comes on the market

Vertigo - putting beans in an EK43 hopper

Flatulence - committed to 83mm burrs not conics


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Hip Replacement :* Baristas' shift changeover at third wave coffee shop.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Hohohohoho! ^^^^^ lots of funny ones!!!


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Brewer's Droop :* That hangdog expression of despair and disappointment, when you discover that no matter how you pull it's going to be short and lacking in body.


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

Snakehips said:


> *Brewer's Droop :* That hangdog expression of despair and disappointment, when you discover that no matter how you pull it's going to be short and lacking in body.


Brewers Droop can be alleviated by a good barista following some of the below.....

(so I am reliable informed)

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/sexpresso-coffee-shops-take-seattle-by-storm-435093.html


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Snake ...... no! Just NO.


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## xpresso (Jan 16, 2018)

Looks like you've found Mildreds level







.

*Coarse ....*The direction this thread seems to be heading ...........

Jon.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Menopours :* A female barista thing, generally, down to having old equipment.

Temperature control is often the biggest problem and some degree of hot flushing is pretty much inevitable. It is unpredictable and varies from case to case.

Although male baristas are not directly affected they are advised just to keep their heads down and get on as if nothing was wrong.


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## xpresso (Jan 16, 2018)

Snakehips said:


> *Menopours :* A female barista thing, generally, down to having old equipment.
> 
> Temperature control is often the biggest problem and some degree of hot flushing is pretty much inevitable. It is unpredictable and varies from case to case.
> 
> Although male baristas are not directly affected they are advised just to keep their heads down and get on as if nothing was wrong.


I knew I was right in suggesting where this thread was going







.

Jon.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

xpresso said:


> I knew I was right in suggesting where this thread was going
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think Snake will be ok. It's after the watershed


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

xpresso said:


> I knew I was right in suggesting where this thread was going
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sorry Jon... I took it to be a request.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Hot Flush: embarrassing moment when you pull a shot without putting coffee in the filter basket.


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

Manopause:

What a male barista does mid shot when a scantily clad female customer walks into the cafe.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Blocked Pores - grind too fine

Premature Ejaculation - grind too coarse

Inoculation - building resistance through exposure to small amounts, aka "pre-infusion"

Flooding - building resistance through exposure to large amounts under pressure, aka "pressurised PF"

Performance Anxiety - day one with a lever machine.......


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## JayMac (Mar 28, 2015)

Coffrustration: desperately wanting an espresso while knowing your machine has been warmed up for over an hour, yet unable to move to make one, as you are holding a sleeping baby (or any similar, slightly higher priority task)


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

JayMac said:


> Coffrustration: desperately wanting an espresso while knowing your machine has been warmed up for over an hour, yet unable to move to make one, as you are holding a sleeping baby (or any similar, slightly higher priority task)


 @JayMac Don't forget we have the For Sale forum.

I'm not exactly sure how much you could expect to get for a secondhand baby theses days, I suppose it depends upon how old it is, but it's perhaps worth a thought.


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## JayMac (Mar 28, 2015)

Snakehips said:


> @JayMac Don't forget we have the For Sale forum.
> 
> I'm not exactly sure how much you could expect to get for a secondhand baby theses days, I suppose it depends upon how old it is, but it's perhaps worth a thought.


I really hope that's against the forum rules. I'm sure it's against the MET rules. In any case my affliction cleared up after about 2 hours, so. Pushed through.


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## johnealey (May 19, 2014)

MildredM said:


> OCD (Obsessive Coffee Disorder): also known as Bi-collectitus - having to get every bit of kit possible. Twice.


" My name is John... I have OCD"









Collective Bonding - siding with other afflicted OCD sufferers

John


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

johnealey said:


> " My name is John... I have OCD"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hey, John, one coffee machine at a time eh?


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## the_partisan (Feb 29, 2016)

Love this thread!



*
Trigger finger*, also known as *fiddlitus*: Constantly changing brew method/grind setting/dose/brew ratio even if you found one that is perfectly fine

*Carpal tunnel syndrome: *Repeatedly grinding very light roasted coffee to a Turkish grind in a hand grinder.


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## JayMac (Mar 28, 2015)

Early Onset Upgradeitis. Distinguishes itself from the usual variant in that not just do you have the desperate need to upgrade your kit, but you commit money first and then have the second stage of the disorder where you wait impatiently for indeterminate periods of time. Most common with the likes of KS, IGG and those awesome exotic grinders only shipped on the whim of manufacturers who don't mind making customers wait.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Cuprolalia :* A typical symptom of *Pourette Syndrome*

The uncontrollable use of foul or obscene language when coffee prep goes wrong. Eg. CFUK ! CFUK ! CFUK!!!


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Colonic irrigation - usually referred to in the coffee world as "backflushing"

Borderline Personality - can't decide between a lever machine or a normal one

Narcissictic Personality Disorder - "I own a Monolith and a Vesuvius and everyone else is wrong".


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Prostrate Examination: Procedure to check the bottom of your naked's flow.


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## xpresso (Jan 16, 2018)

Prostrate Examination: Procedure to check the bottom of your naked's flow.

........... .. .............. : To check the flow of your naked bottom procedure.

Surely......


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Bloating - faulty bag air valve also caused by the accidental purchase of Ashbeck sparkling water

intestinal blockage - Hi end grinder waiting lists


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Ronsilitis :* Inflammation of a CFUK Moderator


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

*Newmonia*: Join forum to go on at great length about your lack of decent shots.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

Purely in jest.........

*Rhysus-negative :* Having your thread deleted by @Rhys

*Rhysusitation :* Having your thread reinstated, upon appeal.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Snakehips said:


> Purely in jest.........
> 
> *Rhysus-negative :* Having your thread deleted by @Rhys
> 
> *Rhysusitation :* Having your thread reinstated, upon appeal.


Blow it! I've been thinking for hours how to incorporate . . . . Just as long as he isn't offended. We don't want a case of Reesignation on our consciences.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

MildredM said:


> Blow it! I've been thinking for hours how to incorporate . . . .


She who hesitates is.... pipped at the post !



MildredM said:


> Just as long as he isn't offended. We don't want a case of Reesignation on our consciences.


Ho ho ! I think we are fine.


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## Rhys (Dec 21, 2014)

Snakehips said:


> Ho ho ! I think we are fine.


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Mamogram :* A notional, undefined, unit of measurement used to guestimate dose and or output by tits who do not weigh.


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## Norvin (Sep 10, 2014)

*Strega feva*, aka 7:50 syndrome. Characterised by the letting out of involuntary gasps of pleasure whilst sipping espresso.

Thought to be caused by years of pulling your own lever.


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## Thecatlinux (Mar 10, 2014)

les24preludes said:


> Curvature of the Spine - carrying a Mazzer Robur home on the train after a foolish impulse buy on eBay.


Good effort , you shall be rewarded with very good grind , basically worth it.


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## les24preludes (Dec 30, 2017)

Thecatlinux said:


> Good effort , you shall be rewarded with very good grind , basically worth it.


Unfortunately this was pure fantasy..... I could just about see myself fetching a Major on the train. That's bad enough.


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## hotmetal (Oct 31, 2013)

Collonic irrigation - filling your MCD Peak water jug?


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

*Pulled Bicep : *Common amongst lever owners who fail to practice the 'Schulman Dip'


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## Thecatlinux (Mar 10, 2014)

Soreiecus um chincus also know as chin twat :- caused by premature handle removal

can cause fractures and or tooth loss


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## hotmetal (Oct 31, 2013)

Water on the knee - resulting from a failure to regularly empty the drip tray. Symptoms include damp trousers and/ or Slippery Slipper. Failure to take remedial action may eventually lead to Trench Foot.

Water on the brain - pathological obsession with the precise mineral and pH characteristics of the brew water. See also Collonic Irrigation. Symptoms include a preference for white coats and small bags of white powder, and if left untreated will result in the local water authority blocking your e-mail and/or IP address.

_______

The only V8 I'm likely to own comes in one litre tetrapaks and tastes like celery.

Cushions were invented by women to stop men from sitting on the sofa.


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## xpresso (Jan 16, 2018)

*SI NUS *Up to the forum especially as a supporter.

Jon.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Resuscitating this thread.

*Chickenbox: *Receiving yet another coffee related parcel in the post and immediately hiding it away from significant others (to be retrieved at a later date when the dust has settled from the previous coffee related parcel).

*Whooping Cough: *Trying to disguise you're excitement at said parcel by making indiscreet coughing sounds instead.


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## hotmetal (Oct 31, 2013)

Go on then Mildred, what ya bought now?! 

Chickenbox... brilliant! 

___

Eat, drink and be merry


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## Snakehips (Jun 2, 2015)

"Look here you pitiful PITA.... if you insist on wanting your latte laced with syrup, topped off with cream, sprinkles and marshmallow bits then I suggest you pi$$ off and find somewhere else to have your coffee.

I believe there's a new place down the road where some daft bat fumbles about making coffee whilst wearing a blue and white spotted blindfold. That should suit you and your discerning palate quite nicely.

As for me, it's been a long shift and my immediate ambition is to go home and get my feet up. Next! ! "

Typically symptomatic of *IBS*

Irritable Barista Syndrome


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

hotmetal said:


> Go on then Mildred, what ya bought now?!
> 
> Chickenbox... brilliant!
> 
> ...


Ha! Not guilty. Yet


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## hotmetal (Oct 31, 2013)

Previous offences taken into consideration?

___

Eat, drink and be merry


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## Batian (Oct 23, 2017)

Sloppy puck:

Erectile malfunction.


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## hotmetal (Oct 31, 2013)

Rhinitis:

Symptom-repetitive strain injury to the wrist and clawing of the left hand.

Cause-Making back to back Aeropress or pourover for several friends with an inexpensive ceramic burr hand grinder.

___

Eat, drink and be merry


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## Norvin (Sep 10, 2014)

Porta Potti - Those occasional really sloppy pucks that seem to go everywhere when you try to tip them out.


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