# Your best chat up lines....



## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

Come on then hit me with them. I heard a new one tonight whilst watching tv so here it is.....

Me: Do you like whales?

Them: Yes why?

Me: How do you fancy a humpback round mine! 

Spat my brew all over the place when the girl came out with this.

I have some others but I'll hold off until a few more of you post.

Get pulling!


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## Scotford (Apr 24, 2014)

"get in the van I've got a knife"


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

Scotford said:


> *get in the van I've got a knife*


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## jimbojohn55 (Jan 15, 2016)

Overheard in Blackpool 20 years ago ...Female -"do you like salad"? ...Male "yes why"? Female "because you've wet my Lettice luv"

Ive been in shock for the last 19 years, it took me several weeks to work it out and then I spat my drink across the room!


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

"I'd just like to say how nice you're garden is looking"

Still married 15 years later


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

jimbojohn55 said:


> Overheard in Blackpool 20 years ago ...Female -"do you like salad"? ...Male "yes why"? Female "because you've wet my Lettice luv"
> 
> Ive been in shock for the last 19 years, it took me several weeks to work it out and then I spat my drink across the room!


Ha!!! That's amazing.

Have you heard the one about dragons?


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

joey24dirt said:


> Ha!!! That's amazing.
> 
> Have you heard the one about dragons?


No, but is it in a similar vein to the chicken one?


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## Jez H (Apr 4, 2015)

I got my bottom squeezed, by a chap, at a Placebo concert in Leeds a few years back. When I turned round he said "Ooh, I am sorry, force of habit". Girls never seem to chat me up!


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## lake_m (Feb 4, 2017)

MildredM said:


> No, but is it in a similar vein to the chicken one?


Hoho - Is that also in similar vein to the one which starts off with a question "do you like fruit?"


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

lake_m said:


> Hoho - Is that also in similar vein to the one which starts off with a question "do you like fruit?"


Yes! But the chicken one's fowl


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

The dragon one gets me all the time. So so rude but absolutely my humour.


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## 4085 (Nov 23, 2012)

get your coat, you've pulled


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## 4515 (Jan 30, 2013)

A female friend of mine used to like

"how do you like your eggs in the morning ?"

"unfertilised now pi$$ off"


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## 4085 (Nov 23, 2012)

They say life experiences teach you a lot. I remember at 16 taking a beautiful leggy blonde to a disco a few miles away and arranging for my parents to pick us up around 11.30. The girl was a student and 3 years older than me. I had just exchanged pocket money on a weekly basis for monthly allowance, and had just received it. This meant we could get drunk of course!.Anyway, she is sitting on my knee when all of a sudden, a song comes on and it was the new Bowie single which was a cover of a Rolling Stones track. I turned to her and said, 'lets spend the night together' to which she said ok.....nuff said!


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

dfk41 said:


> They say life experiences teach you a lot. I remember at 16 taking a beautiful leggy blonde to a disco a few miles away and arranging for my parents to pick us up around 11.30. The girl was a student and 3 years older than me. I had just exchanged pocket money on a weekly basis for monthly allowance, and had just received it. This meant we could get drunk of course!.Anyway, she is sitting on my knee when all of a sudden, a song comes on and it was the new Bowie single which was a cover of a Rolling Stones track. I turned to her and said, 'lets spend the night together' to which she said ok.....nuff said!


Smoooooth


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## 4515 (Jan 30, 2013)

dfk41 said:


> They say life experiences teach you a lot. I remember at 16 taking a beautiful leggy blonde to a disco a few miles away and arranging for my parents to pick us up around 11.30. The girl was a student and 3 years older than me. I had just exchanged pocket money on a weekly basis for monthly allowance, and had just received it. This meant we could get drunk of course!.Anyway, she is sitting on my knee when all of a sudden, a song comes on and it was the new Bowie single which was a cover of a Rolling Stones track. I turned to her and said, 'lets spend the night together' to which she said ok.....nuff said!


So you managed to test the end of the Bowie version

"They said we were too young

Our kind of love was no fun"


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## Obnic (Jan 14, 2014)

Do you sell carpet?

Why?

Because I'm looking for a deep shag.


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## DaveP (Jul 14, 2017)

Scotford said:


> "get in the van I've got a knife"


O M F G ...

Thats errrrrrrrrr, well its just sooooooooo bad


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## Obnic (Jan 14, 2014)

My friend over there wants to know if you think I'm cute.

Hi, can I buy you several drinks?


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

Obnic said:


> Do you sell carpet?
> 
> Why?
> 
> Because I'm looking for a deep shag.


Oh my god that's a good one. I feel it's an appropriate time to let the dragon one loose.

So..... do you like dragons??

How about dragon my balls across your face!

There I said it. Standards lowered from me sorry all


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## DaveP (Jul 14, 2017)

Often used in my youth.... but it never worked (can't understand why)

Fancy a shag..... it wont hurt and it will only take a minute


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## Mrboots2u (May 10, 2013)

I feel like I have travelled back in time. What's on TV? Generation game? Love thy neighbour?

Ooh confession of a window cleaner is on at the cinema too.


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## Drewster (Dec 1, 2013)

dfk41 said:


> They say life experiences teach you a lot. I remember at 16 taking a beautiful leggy blonde to a disco a few miles away and arranging for my parents to pick us up around 11.30. The girl was a student and 3 years older than me. I had just exchanged pocket money on a weekly basis for monthly allowance, and had just received it. This meant we could get drunk of course!.Anyway, she is sitting on my knee when all of a sudden, a song comes on and it was the new Bowie single which was a cover of a Rolling Stones track. I turned to her and said, 'lets spend the night together' to which she said ok.....*nuff said*!


Hardly "nuff said"..... we need to know what happened when Mum n Dad pulled up in their Morris Traveller.....

Oooo Davey you look all grown up... you can sit in the front with daddy.... I'll sit in the back with your friend....

Hello dear - Do you teach at Davey's school.... Shall we get you home, you are looking a little flushed....


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

Drewster said:


> Hardly "nuff said"..... we need to know what happened when Mum n Dad pulled up in their Morris Traveller.....
> 
> Oooo Davey you look all grown up... you can sit in the front with daddy.... I'll sit in the back with your friend....
> 
> Hello dear - Do you teach at Davey's school.... Shall we get you home, you are looking a little flushed....


.....what's that smell?  too far?


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## Simon_S (Jul 4, 2016)

Being a man from the North, when I met my partner in Kent it went.....

"Do you have any northern in you?"

"No!"

"Would you like some?"

The bruising didn't take long to heal and I'm still in Kent (with her) 8 years later.......


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## Jumbo Ratty (Jan 12, 2015)

The polish have some good ones.

Jesteś brzydka ale zaciekawiłaś mnie" -

"You're ugly but you intrigue me."


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## 4085 (Nov 23, 2012)

Drewster said:


> Hardly "nuff said"..... we need to know what happened when Mum n Dad pulled up in their Morris Traveller.....
> 
> Oooo Davey you look all grown up... you can sit in the front with daddy.... I'll sit in the back with your friend....
> 
> Hello dear - Do you teach at Davey's school.... Shall we get you home, you are looking a little flushed....


So close! My parents turned up in my dads Merc with the friends they had been out to dinner with. I sat in the back behind the passenger seat and Lucy sat on my knee. We thought we were whispering about what to do when we arrived at her house as her parents were away. When we duly arrived, my father smartly came around, opened the door to let Lucy out, then promptly shut it again and jumped in and drove me off......we did end up with several dates though. She became a very successful Barrister in London and I had time to think what might have been!


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## 4515 (Jan 30, 2013)

A work colleague asked one of the women at work if she wanted to go halves on a baby

20+ years later they are still together. Who could resist such a smooth talker ?


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

In my lorry driving days . . .

Can you give me a hand with my fifth wheel?

Worked every time

















Only joking, once, it was just once!


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## Rakesh (Jun 3, 2017)

I find the ladies prefer a more poetic approach:

Roses are red,

Grass is greener,

When I think about you,

I play with my wiener.


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## Obnic (Jan 14, 2014)

Hi, i seem to have lost my number. May i borrow yours?

Hi, im writing a phone book. May i include your number?

Hi. You look amazing. If you'd like to chat and have a drink, i'm just over there. If not, no worries but i'd never forgive myself if i didn't at least introduce myself.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Obnic said:


> Hi, i seem to have lost my number. May i borrow yours?
> 
> Hi, im writing a phone book. May i include your number?
> 
> Hi. You look amazing. If you'd like to chat and have a drink, i'm just over there. If not, no worries but i'd never forgive myself if i didn't at least introduce myself.


You got me at 'hi'


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

Obnic said:


> Hi, i seem to have lost my number. May i borrow yours?
> 
> Hi, im writing a phone book. May i include your number?
> 
> Hi. You look amazing. If you'd like to chat and have a drink, i'm just over there. If not, no worries but i'd never forgive myself if i didn't at least introduce myself.


Last one is definitely they way to do it properly


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

"Hi there.... does this smell of chloroform"


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## Beanedict (Aug 14, 2017)

Feeling corny for some reason, so there:

On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9...... And I'm the 1 you need.

Hey can I follow you home? ("What?") "Oh sorry my parents just told me to follow my dreams."

"Hi, I'm going to have to ask you to leave!" (Why?) "The sign says NO SMOKING....and you are definitely SMOKIN!"

But the knife and the van joke earlier was hilarious. Oh wait, I am back, here's few more:

"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

You look much more attractive in person than you do through my telescope.

"Hi, i'm wasted but this condom in my pocket doesn't have to be."

Hey, wanna come over to Myspace and Twitter with my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?

I'm not a weather man, but you could expect more than a few inches tonight


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## Beanedict (Aug 14, 2017)

joey24dirt said:


> "Hi there.... does this smell of chloroform"


argh, beat me to it


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## grumpydaddy (Oct 20, 2014)

not exactly a pick up line that was far more innocuous but I once asked my then fairly new acquaintance, later to be my wife, "what would you like for breakfast, lettuce?" "Lettuce !!??" "Yeah, I thought you might eat like a rabbit too"

Personally that is about as far as I ever went.

Heard a few put down lines though over the years


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

I feel honoured to be privvy to the inner workings of the male mind . . . . Keep them coming


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## 4515 (Jan 30, 2013)

Rakesh said:


> I find the ladies prefer a more poetic approach:
> 
> Roses are red,
> 
> ...


I was half expecting a line in there about the roses being ready for plucking


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## DavecUK (Aug 6, 2013)

MildredM said:


> I feel honoured to be privvy to the inner workings of the male mind . . . . Keep them coming


I don't think I ever heard chat up lines like this work...certainly I never used a chat up line. It generally used to just happen that you would start talking about something you had both seen, and incident, collision, or shared involvement/activity. If people are mutually interested the chat continues, if not...it doesn't.


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## Beanedict (Aug 14, 2017)

DavecUK said:


> ... and incident, collision, or shared involvement/activity...


So that's how you pick up girls? What's your car insurance premium?


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## Obnic (Jan 14, 2014)

DavecUK said:


> I don't think I ever heard chat up lines like this work...


"My friend over there wants to know if you think I'm cute." Followed by big grin has definitely worked to break the ice for me. Of course you need the wit to back up the brass.


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## kennyboy993 (Jan 23, 2017)

Obnic said:


> "My friend over there wants to know if you think I'm cute." Followed by big grin has definitely worked to break the ice for me. Of course you need the wit to back up the brass.


Too right - it's the spiel that follows the opener that's the killer


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## Norvin (Sep 10, 2014)

There's always the classic

"You don't sweat much for a fat bird"


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## Mrboots2u (May 10, 2013)

Ah we are now viz.


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## Mrboots2u (May 10, 2013)

....


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## grumpydaddy (Oct 20, 2014)

"Ten ton polar bear" (over the loud music playing)

"What??"

"Ten ton polar bear"

"What do you mean"

"Well it broke the ice didn't it?"


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

"Do you like diamonds........?"


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## urbanbumpkin (Jan 30, 2013)




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## cambosheff (Jan 1, 2016)

Your eyes are like spanner's... when I look into them my nuts tighten.

And one I shamefully used after finding out the lady I was talking to was a med student... how's about I take you're temperature with my love thermometer.

Tragic!


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## Jumbo Ratty (Jan 12, 2015)

I just stand outside the poundshop with my dog and let them form an orderly que


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## Rhys (Dec 21, 2014)

You smell different when you're awake..


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Jumbo Ratty said:


> I just stand outside the poundshop with my dog and let them form an orderly que


Funnily enough this happens to Ian too







Everytime I leave him outside a shop with Minty I find him surrounded by ladies of a certain age fussing round the pair of them


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## joey24dirt (Jan 28, 2017)

Rhys said:


> You smell different when you're awake..


Haha so creepy. I'm sure there's another one similar to that but I can't think what it is


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## grumpydaddy (Oct 20, 2014)

a bit off topic but:

Walking along a hospital corridor where my colleague and I were working we met a nurse acquaintance who was heading home. Up until that point in time I had only ever seen her in Greens. As she passed I commented to my mate "Wow doesn't she look different with her clothes on" I then discovered she had the sexiest and dirtiest laugh I have ever heard.


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## thesmileyone (Sep 27, 2016)

I was once getting at the stage where you start taking each others clothes off. With a grin I reach for her panties and say "Let's see what you got hiding down there then?" to her in my best posh James Bond voice.

30 seconds later she had left, apparently this creeped her out.

To this day I still don't know how that was creepy. Oh well, her loss, what I lack in espionage I make up for in Erogenousness.


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## 4515 (Jan 30, 2013)

Jumbo Ratty said:


> I just stand outside the poundshop with my dog and let them form an orderly que


Puppies beat any chat up line - fact! When I'm socialising and of mine as pups I factor in extra time for the oh isn't he cute / how old is he / whats his name. Pity I didn't know this trick when I was young and looking for love.


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Literature threw up some good ones over the years . . .

You can't lie to your soul (Irvin Welch/Porno)

You should be kissed, and often, by someone who knows how (Gone with the wind/M. Mitchell)

And Jane Austen, surely one of the best -

In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You have to allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

What man could resist . . ..


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## Obnic (Jan 14, 2014)

Never mind puppies, the best pick-up wingman I ever had was my months old godson. He's blond, blue-eyed and very handsome.

I used to go round to his mother on a Saturday afternoon and offer to take him and his Dad 'for a walk' so she could get some rest. I'd carry him, in a forward facing baby Bjorn, to our local riverside pub. I could count on him to reach for my pint and try to drink every time I put it within his reach, so...

Spies attractive girl looking over. Grins. Godson flaps arms and gurgles. Girl grins back - probably at godson. I take a step closer whilst subtlety raising my beer glass within his reach and say: 'would you mind buying my godson a drink, he keeps pinching mine.' Subtlety lower glass, godson wriggles and reaches for it, gurgling. I grin. She laughs.

Perfect wingman.


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## hotmetal (Oct 31, 2013)

Obnic said:


> Never mind puppies, the best pick-up wingman I ever had was my months old godson...Perfect wingman.


Hahaha that is brilliant! Made me laugh anyway. Perfect but for one (not particularly minor) detail - if the real father fails to own up, your gazelle will assume you're already spoken for.


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## grumpydaddy (Oct 20, 2014)

This amused me:


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## MildredM (Feb 13, 2017)

Awwww! Love that


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