# The Big Boys: A Dispatch from the Coalface



## Earlepap (Jan 8, 2012)

Inspired by someone else's thread and the realisation that I hadn't had a coffee from any of the "big chains" in almost a year, I thought I'd give each of them a go to see if they're really all that bad. Things may well have changed, and to wax ad infinitum about third wave/speciality/artisan/whatever beans without knowing the alternative is to enter the realm of ignorant snobbery. There may also have been a subconscious desire to validate the amount of time and money I've spent seeking the perfect cup. Who knows, I could stumble upon a guilty pleasure too or at least figure out which of them is best.

I was in Canary Wharf - all the big guns are within a small radius of each other so I set off with an open mind and a despondent pocket. A single espresso at each café with marks out ten for taste, body, and service. It might seem a bit harsh to go for espresso, but since it's the base of all their drinks it's only right. Service marks were given as they would be in a supermarket - I wasn't expecting to talk shop with the staff, just pleasantness. I would've added a mark for ambience, but it's Canary Wharf so there wasn't any.

Costa

Considering the time I visited (around 3pm) it was surprisingly busy. I felt out of place not wearing a suit. At the end of a confusing queue system I was met with what might've been a smile and definitely was a brusque attitude. Coffee produced by the time I found a spot at a table.










Looks ok. Sippy sip. Wow. It quickly became obvious why everyone else was drinking from milk filled, porcelain goblets - though I'd be surprised if even 20oz of dairy could disguise this taste. I'm honestly quite alarmed. I almost spit it at the nearest super important person having a meeting. The body is actually ok, it's not a bad mouth feel, but the flavour is of weird chalky dust. It could just be a shock to the taste buds so I bravely take another sip. Nope, this is disgusting. I make a dash for the doors.

Cost: £1.45

Body: 4/10

Taste : 2/10 - started lower but revised after the next visit.

Service: 3/10

Starbucks

Widely reviled and considered the worst of the bunch, I've got nothing more against these guys than the rest. The one I visited was more of a takeaway affair, but it had a few tables and after finding the till hidden behind a pillar, I ordered the espresso from a very smiley and polite girl who asked whether I wanted a paper cup or mug. The request for an espresso cup was seemingly a curve ball as she had to scramble around in a cupboard to find one. Once the man in front of me had received his chocolate chip cookie frappuccino (I tell no lie), my single shot was produced.










I'm aware that you can't really judge the quality of a shot from the look of the crema, but this one has that pale beech hue to it which always rings alarm bells. No matter, it quickly dissipates into the sterile ether of the Wharf. There's not an adjective for the face I pull after sipping this one, but the suit who catches sight of the grimace looks concerned. This is barely recognisable as coffee, honestly. It has the same chalk thing going on, but also a carbon acridity as if sucking on BBQ remnants. There is also piss all body to it. This is objectively foul - anyone who says they enjoy this is lying. No need to sip this again.

Cost: £1.45

Body: 1/10

Taste: 0.5/10 - half a mark for not killing me.

Service: 7/10

Nero

By now I should be wired, but I've only managed three sips so I enter Nero twitchless. Fairly capacious despite undergoing renovations, and a moderate amount of folks necking the black stuff. Rapid service, but once again friendly. Post-order I'm offered a biscuit, milk and sugar - all of which I foolishly refuse, but hey I don't want to muddy my palate with anything vaguely tasty.










This one is actually not too bad, comparatively speaking. It's pretty thin, but the roast flavours aren't so in-your-face and there's actually a hint of some fruit! As a gesture of appreciation to the affable staff I take another sip, then Foxtrot Oscar.

Cost: £1.55

Body: 3/10

Taste: 3/10

Service: 8/10

Pret a Manger

Lastly I make my way for Pret which I guess is more focused on food but must still serve a shit ton of coffee throughout the day. Something about the décor of this place makes me feel like I'm shopping for a new kitchen. Another super-fast and almost entirely automated espresso is whipped up for me supplemented by the same litany of questions I got in Nero. It's almost as if these places know what they're putting in a cup tastes like muck. By this point the positivity I started this experiment with has been sapped, and I share a beaten down look with the woman sat opposite me.










The crema in this one mostly pissed off before I sat down. Little body, medium notes of smog. There's an awful lot of it for a single shot. I leave wishing I'd bought that new kitchen instead.

Cost: £1.30

Body: 2/10

Taste: 2/10

Service: 6/10

Results

1st - Nero, 14/30

2nd - Pret, 10/30

3rd - Costa, 9/30

4th - Starbucks 8.5/30

So there we have it. While those scores might be surprisingly high - the coffee at Nero is not half as good as somewhere fancy - most of the marks have been awarded for service. What have I learnt? Not to go to any of these places ever again, or at least not for a coffee. While this is what I expected to find, I was actually alarmed at how bad they all were. I know most people get the stuff with a load of milk, but they're still being duped, and if you're just after a pick-me-up there is always Pro-Plus. What am I saying, it's Canary Wharf - there's always cocaine.

When I got home, I drank a half-cup of leftover coffee I'd made four hours earlier. Aahhh, validation.


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## ronsil (Mar 8, 2012)

That was brave. Must admit I do try the 'Chains' from time to time & they don't seem to improve their basic product.

Generally in goes the milk & you are presented with a warm milk shake. Currently I am on holiday & finding it very difficult to enjoy a coffee out.

There is a place that uses Origin Coffee (from Helston). Excellent beans which I use at home from time to time. The first visit I asked for an espresso & got it served in a 7 oz cup. Another place also uses a bean I know & I ordered an espresso for myself & a macchiato for myWife. I was told macchiato is not on their menu. The espresso tasted of nothing & looked like a demi-tasse of black coffee.

The point I make is that these places are not cheap & charge a maximum price for a minimum quality drink.

I often ponder where does the fault really lie in these operations.


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## MickH (Sep 28, 2012)

I hate costa. An strangely even before I got into coffee and knew nothing about it. I couldn't stomach it. Same goes for Nero.

One thing I used to like about starbucks was when they used to offer a choice of filter coffee. The guest one used to cycle between Columbian, Guatemalan and Sumatra.

The pikes place I really don't care for. But if I have to drink at a chain it will be Starbucks but only because they are the only ones to offer filter


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## Eyedee (Sep 13, 2010)

THANK YOU for taking the time and enduring the suffering of these chains, your dedication deserves a medal. Your report was excellant and frighteningly revealing.

The results should be published worldwide just to show the general public that maybe if they drank their own urine topped with foamy milk they would not actually realise the difference between that and the "product" made by these chains.

Ian


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## Spazbarista (Dec 6, 2011)

Dunno about espresso's as all the faults are concentrated, but I did have some really nice flat whites in Starbucks a few months. They were infinitely better than those that I had in a self-proclaimed speciality coffee shop the same day.

Had some dreadful ones a month later at another branch.


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## SlowRoast (Sep 24, 2010)

I echo the others - how brave! From my two years in Costa, I've learnt no matter what you do to the shot, you still end up with a nasty chalky burnt taste. I certainly managed to make myself a few shots with some body to them, but not much in terms of flavour.

The charcoal acridity from Starbucks is obviously because they have charcoal, er sorry, highly roasted beans in the hopper as we know.









That one from Pret looks like a triple shot to me! I do admit I liked the food I had at London Luton Airport, but the sheer filthiness of the machines put me off alone.


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## forzajuve (Feb 2, 2011)

I wonder if the charcoal taste and insistence on bucket sized servings are interlinked. Starbucks came first, over from the States where they love everything to be super sized so the others tried to copy their model. Obviously though if you are serving a drink with 20oz milk in it you need some strong coffee to be noticed in all that fat.

This has led to the need for such overdone beans? Obviously I am trying to find some reason behind it rather than the mighty dollar, maybe somewhat naive. Minimum wage staff on part time/temporary contracts who don't care don't help matters either I'm sure.


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## Spazbarista (Dec 6, 2011)

I don't think these chains are any worse than independents, on the whole. Of course, it is unlikely that you will ever get a cup of awesome in one, but the likelihood of getting something outstanding in an unknown independent is pretty slim too.

The possible exception to this is London. Round these here parts, I am seeing an improvement where small roasters have clearly gone in to cafés, and shown them how to make coffee.


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## Southpaw (Feb 26, 2012)

I'm very far from being a fan of the chains but if you'd extended that to a load of independents, probably anywhere other than London I bet these wouldn't fare that bad. Pret excepted - that looks like watery sheet.


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## forzajuve (Feb 2, 2011)

Bah! You may have more outlets but there is life outside of Laaandan Town you know!!!

Has Bean are now supplying four independent little cafes in Manchester city centre, I am getting round them and intend to do a write up for us northerners who are just discovering electricity and how to use a knife and fork. So far been to North Tea Power and Gorilla, newly added are Home Sweet Home and Salutation.

While this is no guarantee of a great coffee, these have all sprung up over the last 12 months and show a shift towards quality that has been lacking in the past. Here's hoping more to come!


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## Glenn (Jun 14, 2008)

ronsil said:


> I often ponder where does the fault really lie in these operations.


In most cases somewhere between the Franchise Owner and the Brand Guidelines.

If you trace the coffee back to source (eg Head Office / Roaster) where the same equipment and beans are used then the difference is staggering. I have had good shots of espresso at some of the chains HQ's or roasteries.

The brand guidelines may be a little limiting in some cases (not describing drinks not on the menu - and the training might not have covered these).

The Franchise Owner may not enforce the standards (or even be aware of what good coffee should taste like) and in some cases may overlook elements in favour of profit.

There is also a lack of passion shown by some employees, and even when I have been training independent cafes or restaurants I have found some staff do not even like or drink coffee. This makes it difficult to evaluate taste if you don't like the product!

These comments are not reflective of the outlets mentioned above as I have not personally visited any of them in that location.


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## ronsil (Mar 8, 2012)

forzajuve said:


> cafes in Manchester !


Don't miss out on 'Coffeefix' in Gatley - Not City Centre but well worth the very short journey. Offers Guest roasters coffee as well as HB.


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## forzajuve (Feb 2, 2011)

ronsil said:


> Don't miss out on 'Coffeefix' in Gatley - Not City Centre but well worth the very short journey. Offers Guest roasters coffee as well as HB.


Thanks Ron, its on my list. Got some mates who live not too far from there so will definitely pop in one day, heard good things...


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